The depression won this time...

I had a break-down yesterday.

Well, not the kind where I got all catatonic and didn't know what was up or down or sideways. It wasn't bad enough to drive me over any edges. It was bad enough, however, to render me quite useless yesterday. I was in the sort of state that didn't really allow rational thought anymore.

I had an anxiety attack strong enough to make me shake uncontrollably. My shoulders and neck are sore from how tense I was last night. My eyes are puffy because of all the crying I did last night. And the worst part is...someone saw me like this.

Oh, do I ever have issues with people seeing me less than the strong person I put forth to the world. I like appearing strong and controlled and centered. I don't know if I always succeed at putting that persona across, but I try really hard to do so.

In this case, I was going to practice with a friend of mine...and I got there early. I was still shaking - had been since I left the house. (I made myself leave the house because I hadn't left at all that day.) I was curled up in a corner of the room with my head in my hands when he came in. And he asked if I was alright. And of course I said I was fine. He asked again, since I was obviously not alright. I said I was fine again. He came closer and waited. And I started crying.

Crying, scared, suddenly completely unable to hold myself up anymore. I just let out on him: I was scared to get out of bed that morning. I was scared now for who knows what reason. I felt scared of my own shadow. I hadn't been this bad all winter, so I guessed perhaps I was about due for an anxiety attack - which is totally not how it works at all but oftentimes what it feels like with the depression roller coaster.

We talked for awhile...he offered his shoulder for me to cry on...he basically sat and listened to me for about a half-hour. And then he took me for a walk, dried my tears by talking about a favorite subject of ours, and took care of me the rest of the evening - inviting me to hang out with him.

It was fun, up until I went out to a bar with him and another friend that he was meeting up with. She's another friend of mine, but not someone I know very well yet. The first place we went was cool. I handled myself pretty well. Didn't get over-anxious. Didn't drink at all (good call, there). But the second place was a complete disaster. I sat and stared into space the entire time. Well, maybe not the entire time. I tried to dance with my friends. I tried to smile and laugh. But it was no use. I couldn't make myself do it. It was exhausting. I had to stop and sit. And sitting just made it worse somehow, because then I was constantly worrying that I was ruining my friends' fun. (I probably was...) But, somehow I couldn't figure out how to leave. I felt like if I left early, I'd be rude. Either that, or I had some odd notion in my mind that leaving would mean I'd miss out on the fun. Um, but I wasn't really having fun anyway...I was actually negatively affecting the fun. The night ended early with my two friends leaving the bar early (probably because they figured out that they couldn't cheer me up at all), and my guy friend gave me money to take a cab home because I'd missed the last T.

What an enormous burden I was. How awful! The only thing last night accomplished was creating a topic of question for my female friend, who doesn't know my situation at all. How awkward for my guy friend, who does know. Did he explain to her? If so, will that make things more awkward the next time I see her? If he didn't, then what excuse did he make for me? And how horrible that he'd have to make an excuse for me at all!

Today, I was supposed to go to a friend's birthday party - wine and cheese to start and then a blues dance into the wee hours of the morning. But, after my experience yesterday, I couldn't bring myself to go. The thought of being around a huge number of people...some of whom I know and some I don't...was too overwhelming. I decided it would be easier to simply make my excuses (saying I wasn't feeling well) and not show up, than to go and risk reliving another version of Friday night with a bunch of people who know me and would start asking me what was wrong and I wouldn't want to get into it... The social anxiety kicked in and I became instantly incapable of going to the party tonight.

Man, would I ever love to not have this kind of thing happen to me. I get to see my counselor this Thursday. And I'm excited for it...more than I normally am. I want to talk to her about this...see if there's something else affecting me that's bringing these symptoms to a peak that make them affect me more than I've been used to this entire winter. I'm more tense than I have been since the darkness set in this winter...perhaps there's something else going on that I haven't really given much thought consciously, but unconsciously it's kicking me in the gut.

This post is really rambly...wow. I try to make a certain amount of sense when I write entries to this blog, but this time it's more of a free-flow of thoughts and less of a coherent, cohesive post.