On ridiculous fears that make no sense at all...

Okay. I know the fear of getting out of bed in the morning. We've all been there. It's a horrible feeling. And somehow, we all learn to cope with it, and deal with it in a way that allows us to get out of bed anyway (at least, that's the ultimate goal, right?). I've gotten good at making myself get out of bed eventually. I have to say "eventually" because it sometimes takes me a couple of hours to really get myself to the point where I can force myself upright and out from under the covers.

But what happens when the fear isn't of getting out of bed but of going to sleep?

I know, this sounds rather ridiculous, right? Why would I be afraid of one of the best things for my anxiety? Sleep is a good thing. it rejuvenates, it replenishes energy, it heals, it relaxes. But, apparently, tonight I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of going to sleep.

I've been suffering from really bad insomnia lately. The kind that doesn't allow me to get to bed at a reasonable hour (once I'm actually sleeping, I sleep through the night). I stay up 'til 2-3-4 in the morning because I'm simply not tired enough to go to bed, or I feel rather apathetic about making the effort to put my computer down and climb under the covers. I hate that insomnia, but I know it happens.

Whatever, the point is: I was really excited last night because I was TIRED ENOUGH to go to bed at 11:30...and I probably dozed off at around midnight. That's a record for me these days. And tonight, I got tired at 1:00. Not as good, but still better than what I've been averaging lately. So, all set and ready to fall asleep, I laid my head on the pillow, closed my eyes, and snapped them back open when I suddenly felt a huge bout of anxiety run through me. My stomach hurt (well, still does), my head started splnning, my heart started racing, my brain start running wild (who knows what thoughts were running through my brain...they were going too fast to focus on clearly - generally tends to happen when I'm suffering an anxiety attack, no matter how mild).

Terrific. I'm afraid to fall asleep. What do I do with that? I now have to figure out how to go to sleep anyway. Or I have to stay up 'til I can't possibly sit up anymore and then sort of fall over onto the pillow with no time to think about the fear of falling asleep. I really don't want to have to do the second option. How can I convince myself that there's nothing scary about falling asleep? For the love of God...I've been through an awful lot over the years that I've been dealing with depression. I feel like I've run through strange symptoms pretty thoroughly. But apparently there's always one more surprise to be discovered. --Tonight, at 11, we explore "fear of falling asleep." Stay with us as we delve into the anxiety that accompanies the act of going to sleep. Jesus. Are you serious???

(On a completely random note, I wonder if there's a phobia name for the "fear of falling asleep?" If so, I guess maybe I could take comfort in knowing that there must be others who have suffered from this fear, otherwise it wouldn't have been named, right?

Ugh. Okay, I'm off to figure out how to make myself go to sleep despite the ridiculous anxiety associated with that action. Wish me luck...