It's time to hold my own and drive...

Why is it whenever I'm in tears after dark when it's not summertime and I call my mother, she automatically assumes I'm having a depressive episode?

Okay, to be fair, it's probably because 90% of the time I am. Perhaps even 95% of the time. I don't exactly log the stats...

I posted earlier that I want to stop my meds. That I'm sick of taking them. That they feel like a crutch and I want a life free of them. My counselor suggested I try going down in the dose I'm on. Which sounds like a much wiser idea, I think. After all, it's been 6 years that I've been on medication. Going cold turkey this winter (so to speak) wouldn't exactly be the best of ideas...

Here's the thing...I find myself not so much feeling depressed during winter nights as just plain lonely. When I have nothing to do at night...with only myself and my thoughts to keep me company...those are times I hate. Times I feel restless and longing for something else. Perhaps I tend to confuse that with real depressive episodes. (Or perhaps they're more similar than they initially seem to be.) My trouble with these sorts of nights is that the meds don't do anything to help this feeling. This mix of boredom, loneliness, and longing. The meds don't help because that's not what they're designed to do. They're designed to regulate the chemicals in my brain. Not to get rid of the sad, lonely nights that I have from time to time.

The real solution for this is actively making plans with friends. Taking the initiative to make plans and go do things. Take responsibility for getting rid of these sad, lonely nights.

Now, here's the brain-twister. The thing I'm currently stuck on in my head... How long have I been merely feeling alone and unknowingly blaming the depression instead? Or, is there more of a grey area that I've traveled through and found myself nearing the opposite side of late? The side that's less like depression and more just a lonely feeling. And would I feel less lonely if the depression didn't come into play here? Or would I feel roughly the same way?

*sigh* The circular thoughts and ideas are starting to make my head spin. In the end, it turns out that the answers to these questions really don't matter. What matters is whether or not I'm in control of my life at any given point in time, or if I've stepped back and let something else take over again.

For I do believe that's been one of my main problems in my years dealing with my depression. Letting the depression take the wheel and steer. Or, alternately, letting the fear of my depression take the wheel and steer. And after 6 years of riding shotgun, perhaps I'm beginning to realize that I'd rather scoot over into the driver's seat and choose the road to drive down.

P.S. The driving analogy isn't mine. I was listening to an Incubus song, and suddenly the lyrics said exactly what I was searching for words to say:

Drive - Incubus
(bold type inserted by me)

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the
Fear take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal.
But lately I am beginning to find that
I should be the one behind the wheel.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes. Yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there.
I'll be there.

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before and it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around.
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found.

So whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes. Yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there.
I'll be there.

(the rest of the song is just repeating what I've already written, fyi)

Yeah. So. I need to take the wheel and steer. Pay attention to the road in front of me, the road beside me, the cars I share the road with, and what could be coming up behind me.

Tomorrow, I will go grocery shopping. And on the list will be ingredients for something new to cook for dinner. If my goal to learn to cook this year is going to be realized, I'm going to have to actually work to make it happen. (Go figure!)

I will also call my cousin who lives not far from me. I haven't seen her in about a year, and it's about time I start seeing her more often. And, I'll go to bed at a reasonable hour so that I'm fresh and ready for work on Monday.

Okay, with that plan, it's time to get myself off to bed. And time to take the steering wheel out of the hands of fear and give myself a spin in the driver's seat.