I want my freedom.

I want to know what it's like not to be on depression medication. I've been taking Wellbutrin for 5 years now, and before that, I was on Zoloft for a year. That makes 6 YEARS of depression medication. I don't remember what it was like to not have my mood/feelings/emotions modified with a depression drug of some kind.

I'm not saying I regret going on medication. It was necessary, it was the option that made the most sense, given that I was diagnosed in college. But, now I've been living for years with this medication and it's starting to feel like a crutch. I've started noticing for the first time that loosely-connected, sort of apathetic feeling with any emotion I experience. The glaze that the depression meds put on any emotion, taming them and making me feel less like I'm going to fall off the hinge.

But noticing that glazed, modified feeling with my emotions means that my life has quieted significantly enough to actually be able to notice that, right? Which means that I might be in a good place now that would allow me to try life without them, right?

So many questions go into whether this is a good decision or not. Most of all, can I handle life without the crutch of my meds? Or should I go through a year of increased stability before I try coming off the meds? What will life be like if and when I go off my meds? Will there be an adjustment period? Will it be hard? Will it make me wish I hadn't gone off the meds at all?

In the end, this is the conversation I'll have with my psychiatrist and my counselor...to figure out just what I want to do. They'll have answers to some of these questions, at least.

I just really want off the meds, though. I don't like that I've started to see them as a crutch. I've understood for so many years now why I need to take my pill every morning. I've come to terms with the necessity of being on depression meds. But it's different now. It's not that I feel like less of a person by having to take the pills (although, you can be sure that I did once feel that way). It's just that I want my natural emotions back. I want to cry at sad parts of a movie. I want to savor a smile in a happy moment. I want to feel that burst of passionate energy when I'm out with a guy...or when he kisses me (or whatever). And right now, I am distinctly aware of not feeling those things (among other examples that don't pop into my mind just now).

The fight in my brain about this is simply that I want off the meds but I worry about whether or not I'm ready. Typical. I'm a worrier. Perhaps, if left up to me, I may decide I'm never ready. But I want to be. I want to be off these damn pills. I want my freedom.