The Need/Urge/Desire to Get Others "In The Know"

What is it with this "milestone" of being able to tell people I have SAD? I almost see it as this rite of passage for really *knowing* me. I make it this big thing in my head - when is this right time to let this person in? - can this person handle knowing me with this added info?

Now, let me be clear on something: I'm not ashamed of my depression. I established with myself early on that this is nothing to be ashamed of - it's part of me, and I refuse to be ashamed of who I am. So it doesn't bother me that others know, so long as they don't treat me differently because of it.

But beyond my feelings about others knowing about my depression, I have this crazy NEED to tell others about it. I want them to know - no, really, I NEED them to know. And, I think it's because I want to see their reaction. Lately, I've noticed that I react to situations based upon how others react to the same or similar situations. - And this seems to be no different. It's almost as if I feel like: "if they can accept it and move on, then I should, too." (Taking their lead.) But it's also this need to be reminded that others can accept it and move on. - That way I can still be sure that I should accept it as well.

I also feel like I'm afraid of getting too attached to people (be it friends - girls or guys, guys I'm interested in, other people that don't fall into the first 2 categories) and having them leave me when they find out and can't handle it. (I never said I wasn't a little melodramatic...) So, if I tell them early on, I make sure they won't freak out and suddenly hate me later on.

A silly thing to fear, yes. But, it's there all the same.

I ned acceptance and I need the security in the relationship/friendship that the other person won't both upon discovering the depression.

I wish I didn't feel the need for these things, but *sigh*, there it is.