How do you tell the difference between when you're apathetic because you're depressed and when you're apathetic because you're just lethargic and unmotivated?
For so many years, I've used lethargy and unmotivated as a way to escape from the horrible feeling I get when I'm depressed. Or should I say the horrible "unfeeling" since it's a lack of feeling really? And, now, well, I certainly can't say that I've found a way out of the depression. (Because that's not possible.) But I can say that I have found better ways of dealing with the depressive episodes. So, now I'm realizing that I have to deal with the habit of being lethargic and unmotivated to do anything. It's no longer a convenient way to hide from my depression...it's simply an annoying habit that deters me from feeling like I live each day to the fullest. And, as Chicago would say, it's "a hard habit to break."
Lethargy is like an addiction...and it's attached to so many home behaviors. I have a million ways of 'distracting' myself from things I need to get done. And I find myself wasting 3-4 hours at a time doing things to "calm down my brain" before I start in to the things I have to do. But my brain doesn't need calming down. Rather, my addiction to lethargy needs to be fed.
Oh, I find millions of justifications for why I didn't get something done on any given evening. But really, I hate the fact that I have such a hard time doing the everyday things that I'm responsible for. Most people think of drugs, alcohol, food, or eating disorders when they hear the word "addiction." But there are so many other things you can be addicted to. And I'm addicted to lethargy.
And I hate it. It just amazes me that it can be SO DIFFICULT to get myself to do something (anything) productive. When I really WANT to be productive. I WANT to get things done. I feel good when I accomplish things. Why is it so freakin' hard to get myself to do them?
It seems that this will be something for discussion with my counselor over the next few months...
About Me
- Nina
- I'm an avid swing dancer, a proud Minnesotan by birth, and I've got a soft spot for Boston. I love anything British, used bookstores, and delicious smells emanating from the kitchen.
1 comment:
I've actually Googled "addicted to lethargy" and got this as one of the results! I tried "addicted to quitting" and that was impossible - lots of entries about New Year's resolutions. Tried "Quitters Anonymous" and got tons of band entries and something about a Steven King book somewhere in the mix.
I share this particular addiction and have tried to find why by sitting for hours and thinking ... only to realize I was just avoiding doing something productive.
A few reasons do come to mind in the form of statements:
(1) "what's the point - nothing really matters" - followed by hours of existential rants
(2) "not sure what to start on" - followed by hours of trying to decide
(3) "I'll just check the news, Facebook, twitter, or ... Google for an answer to ____" - followed by hours on my computer or smartphone,
(4) "man, my knee hurts, better rest it for a while" - followed by hours of, well, rest,
(5) "I'll just get another cup of coffee (make the coffee, make the toast to keep the coffee from irritating the stomach)" - followed by coffee, toast, and stomach resting in front of TV.
You get the picture. Wish I had a solution. Let me think about this and journal for a while ... maybe something will come to mind. :-)
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