It's all another pattern, right? Then why can't I deal with it yet?

One thing I struggle with an awful lot is the difference between a depressed mood and a mere bad day. Or, closely related to that, sometimes I realize it's a bad day, but that triggers a depressed mood that causes me to shut down because the day has turned out to be a bad one...thus unable to get anything productive done with my day...sort of like giving up on that day and waiting for the next one to start so I can have a fresh stab at having a good day.

Whichever the case (today has turned out to be the second one), it's so frustrating! "Normal" people have bad days. Everyone has bad days. It's part of life...not everything is peachy and happy and great all of the time. Shit happens, and it happens to everyone. But somehow, it seems different when it happens to me. And I hate that, more often than not, I feel like I can't handle the bad day and mentally shut off until the next day comes along.

I'm not saying that I wish I could enjoy a bad day. Who does enjoy a bad day? I just wish I could take a bad day in stride and pick up my heels and keep going. I wish I could make myself not forfeit the day because things didn't turn out the way I wanted or the way I had planned. It's not like I have an infinite number of days to work with...and I've always been a firm believer in making the most of every day.

There, right there. That kills me. I just said that I believe that I should make the most of every day I live. So then, why this "give-up" attitude when the cards aren't dealt right? When my day is less than ideal? It's such a contradiction. And I have a really hard time dealing with that contradiction in my life. And it's the depression that does that. Makes me feel like I can't get past the whole bad day thing. Eats up my self-confidence and leaves me a shell of the person I've always thought I was. (And, still am! I still am that person, dammit!)

This is all a pattern, you know. So you'd think I'd be able to deal with it a bit better by now, yeah? The feeling of inadequacy associated with being "different" from the average person and so less capable to live my life. The feeling of worthlessness that comes when I find myself not dealing well with a situation. The feeling of hopelessness stemming from what seems a never-ending cycle of bad thoughts and pessimistic feelings. That DOWN feeling, that has no real name because it's a conglomeration of many different negative thoughts and emotions (including, but not limited to: sadness, apathy, lack of confidence, fear, feelings of weakness).

But alas, perhaps that's part of what this mental disorder does to a person, to me. It infuses me with an overwhelming sense of negativity and blocks out efforts/attempts to make myself happy again (or even "not sad"...I'd settle for that).

And now we insert the big *sigh* followed by the ubiquitous shrug of the shoulders that indicates I have no way to explain it all to myself. And this combo then indicates the end of my thoughts (for now at least) on the matter.