I cried today.

Today I cried. I cried during a movie. It's the first time that's happened in a really long time. I've wanted this to happen again for so long, but now when it's here, I'm terrified. Having a full blown panic attack.

Of course I'm having a panic attack. Emotions did just occur. But see, I'm terrified mostly for reasons I don't know, which makes it confusing, which makes calming down that much harder. I'm terrified of the emotion, Because, rationally speaking, I know that one. It's where my heart floods with empathy for the characters and I have a real threat of losing myself in that emotion if I succumb to it. What if I can't get back out?

I'm terrified because I don't remember how to deal with feelings and emotions. My apathy and anhedonia have been here for so long this time, it's hard to remember when I ever felt anything other than, well, nothing.

I'm terrified because of the loss of control. While I know that crying during a movie means I'm getting better, it also means I'm more vulnerable. And vulnerability doesn't help me fight to stay "me" while the depression envelops me.

Writing this calmed me down some. Along with some deep slow breaths.

I wonder: what do YOU do to calm down when the panic strikes?