The Blame Game

Do you ever find yourself blaming the depression for bad habits or poor choices? As in, "I wouldn't do X if I wasn't this down," or "I must be more depressed since I just did X?" As if the depression is the answer to every negative thing in life?

Yeah, me too. It's so easy. It's THERE. The perfect scape-goat. You know that old depression med commercial (maybe for Zoloft?) where there's an umbrella that follows you around, only when you open it, it rains from the umbrella - because the umbrella is meant to represent your depression? I view my own depression similarly. Not specifically as an umbrella, but as a non-formed entity or presence that's always there. The Presence is stronger in the winter, but it is always there.

My point is that thinking of the depression as a separate entity that floats around like a shadow makes it super easy to place blame. Because there's a thing, an Entity. It's got substance of some sort (ideas are nouns too!) - and that means I can deflect blame for some (all? most?) of the stupid stuff I do onto the Entity that is not me. Convenient. Simple. It wasn't me, it was the depression. Boom.

Except, all I'm doing is a disservice to myself. If I simply get to blame everything wrong or stupid I do on the depression, all that does is allow me to trick myself into thinking that I'm above reproach. "It was the depression, not me." Meaning, of course I would never do anything like that. Only under the influence of the depression. But, if I allow that to be true all of the time, who's really in control here, me or the Depression Entity that I've created in my mind to separate myself in some way from my mental illness?

[That's a struggle I've, well, struggled with ever since I was diagnosed: who's in control? And if I cede control to the Depression Entity, who is really running my life? Hint: not me.] 

In order to truly come to terms with myself and my depression, I've known for awhile now that I need to stop viewing the depression as this separate Entity. The depression is just as much a part of me as my brown hair, my smile, my creativity, and my shoe size. The depression is part of my identity. I would not be who I am right now without it. I would be drastically different (and I like to think not nearly as fabulous). But, in order to allow the Depression Entity to dissolve I have to stop blaming it. I have to give up my scape-goat. I have to take responsibility for all of the stupid shit I do. [Let's be real for a second here... none of the "stupid stuff" I do is life-threatening or earth-shattering. I'm talking little things: like leaving the dishes in the sink overnight...not remembering to call my mom on her birthday...missing a deadline at work... forgetting to call HR about some mundane admin thing. But just because they're little things doesn't mean this applies any less.]

Aye, there's the rub. I love having a scape-goat. I don't want to say I'm to blame for the stupid shit I do from time to time. I don't like people seeing I'm less than perfect. Or at least that I'm as flawed as everyone else. Sometimes I feel like I need to prove myself more because of the depression. Like, "the depression doesn't make me worse, see guys? It makes me even better!" Which is ridiculous and silly and 100% real. And facing that is so much harder than dragging a Depression Entity behind me to act as the ever-convenient scape-goat.

What's my point in all of this rambling? Depression is easy to succumb to. It's easy to let it take over. Because it's so much easier to lie back down in bed and pull the covers over my eyes. It's so much easier to say the depression is the culprit and that's why I didn't call you mom - I was just having a down day. It's so much easier to watch 4 more hours of TV instead of doing the chores I should do so my roommates don't run into a mountain of dishes when they want to cook or bake in the kitchen. 

But just because it's easy doesn't make it right. And that's what I'm currently working on in my continued struggle with my depression: stopping the blame game and accepting the depression as truly a part of myself. 

Wish me luck.