I'm used to not feeling tired. That's been going on pretty much my entire adult life. I'm a natural night owl. So it's hard for me to go to bed early enough sometimes. But, I've got a handle on that one for the most part. I've gotten better about evening routines, and melatonin gummies are my best friend. I learned how to work around the fact that I have an earlier job and need earlier bedtimes.
This new waking up in the middle of the night has been a kick in my ass. Because it usually takes me an hour (at least!) to get back to sleep, if I even ever get back to sleep. It started when I started some new medication trials over the summer, and only recently mostly stopped when I started my light box for the dark winter months. I say mostly because I still wake up halfway through the night on occasion. It's throwing me for a loop because I've always been a heavy sleeper. Like, once I'm out, I'm out for the night. Why brain? Why won't you just let me sleep?
And then there's the waking up earlier than normal. I usually need a good 7 hours to feel fully rested. But lately I get 5 or 6 hours. (And that's assuming I didn't wake up halfway through the night, see above.) And after awhile, it becomes overwhelmingly not enough.
What happens when I don't get the sleep I need?
- My ADHD goes into overdrive. I can't focus, I can't think, I can't remember things.
- My mood goes haywire. I'm naturally more irritable. I'm also very quick to go through emotions - happy and carefree one minute, low and sad the next. Paranoid and negative thoughts that no one likes me or I'm failing at everything start to overwhelm my brain.
- My physical health suffers. I get achy, my joints get stiffer, my muscles tense more easily and I have harder time relaxing them. My complexion suffers (break outs, dry patches, etc), my hair dries out, my skin gets pale and dull looking. Those wonderful dark circles appear under my eyes.
- My diet goes down the toilet. I tend to gravitate towards starchy, sugary foods. It's hard to focus on making meals or even buying groceries. Convenience foods reign supreme.
And through all of this, my optimism betrays me. I think it's not that bad. I hold on to any night that goes semi well as a sign of progress. When really, if I take a step back and look at the trend, the data don't support that conclusion at all. I'm not getting better. I'm not getting worse either. I'm just stagnant in a cycle of bad sleep. Which slowly eats away at my mental health.
I'm so very opposed to medication for medication sake. Popping pills is an American illusion of health, and it's killing people. But that also makes me more stubborn than maybe I should be about medication for myself. Maybe I need a discussion with my psychiatrist about a short term solution for getting my sleep back on track. I don't want to take something to make me sleep every night for the rest of my life. But, I work in an inpatient setting where I tell my patients all the time that we need to fix the NOW, and a shirt term solution, while not ideal, may be a necessary step toward getting back to health.
Maybe I should take my own advice.
Maybe I should adjust length of light therapy, or timing.
Maybe I should stop all screen time for a week and see if that changes anything.
Maybe I should find a way to adjust my diet despite my utter lack of concentration for such things.
Maybe I should do all of these things.
Maybe I should get to bed now... and call my psychiatrist and/or therapist in the morning.
